Four

 

♥

Middle of my best life

 

This hits hard, gotta appreciate where I am more.

About Regressing

I wish progression was linear, that when you started upwards you continued that way. I guess that's something life keeps teaching me, I have times when I work really hard and take ten steps forward, and then something happens and I fall back eight steps. Sometimes it's easier to retrace the steps I already took, and sometimes it's almost like the difficultly level increased. 

I didn't know moving on could be this hard. For the last two months I really felt I had a breakthrough, that I was finally making big progress, that I had made the right choice and I could be happier in the future. I'm not really sure what happened to me in the last two weeks, I feel I took all the steps back possible and am starting from square one. 

People tell me I'm wrong for holding on to the past, that I made the decision I made because it was the right one, but the more I'm told, the more I feel like no one understands that I really believe I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

Yes, I believe one day I'll make peace with my decision, but I'm not sure I'll ever stop regretting it. It shouldn't have been like this. I have been trying really hard, and will keep trying, I just wish I hadn't chosen this. 

I'm going to try to stop playing the victim and own up to my decisions. I just need a little more time to learn to accept this. 

Blog Importance

 It's funny that when I first made this blog at 15 I posted every single day, I had so much to say and so much creativity. Ofc when I look back at those posts now, 90% are cringe, but it's still interesting to see how I thought back than, what values I had and what I wanted other people to know about me.

Now at 28 I still try to post at least once a month, as I like having this as a creative space, but I don't find every detail worth writing about. I remember with my first tattoo at 18 I felt I had to make a post about it, since than I have 5 more, and while I may post them someday, I just don't really care to as of yet. I have so much more going on than when I was a teen, yet so much less to share with the world. I guess I learned the value of close friends and sharing things with them, and don't feel everyone has to know everything.

The best part is I have a place to go back to look at old pictures, videos, and thoughts. 

So dear blog, sorry you've diminished in importance in my life. You still have an important place in my heart though and I am really glad I started writing you all these years ago. 

I guess that's all I have to say right now. 

Three

This song came out right in time to express how it feels, three years now... and that's way too long. I miss you!

Value

😣😣😣😣

😫

The distance between where you are and where you want to be is shorter than you think. 

This is what I need to keep in mind when I'm struggling in life. 

I really didn't remember how much I hated exams and studying my ass off in general. 

I can't wait to be done this school!

Stronger

One thing I find interesting is that it's so hard to forget the pain others caused you, while it's so easy to downplay the pain you caused them. You think they should understand your reasons behind causing them pain, but never stop to think that maybe their reasons for hurting you were also completely fair and maybe it wasn't their intention for you to get hurt, but it was more a reaction to the pain you caused them. While I want to be able to understand that, it's just so easy to downplay the severity, to think that you didn't deserve this, and then go on feeling sorry for yourself. 

I wanna be a strong person, I wanna be able to move on from all of this and start to really live. I miss being happy when I'm alone.

"Normal"

Life is strange sometimes. 

I really thought I had turned a page on so many issues I had. Yet here I am sitting on my couch in 2021 facing the same problems I struggled with in 2018 but thought were over after that. 

I wish I could just be "normal".

I don't know if I should keep fighting to be or I should just accept that there is no cure to being this messed up. 

I wish I had some answers.

Back to Studenthood

 Dear Blog,

    I am back in Hungary for a month now, and I have to say my life is 100% different than it was. 
It's really strange having things the same, yet so different. 
Some of it is good: I am back in the apartment I loved living in, in an amazing location in the city center. 
Other things are harder: a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend of over 5 years, and while it was what I needed, I wish it wouldn't have had to be this way and that we could have lasted forever. 
Anyhow, the topic I wanted to write about: 
    I started studying programming. I knew it would be a challenge, but maybe I wasn't aware of how much of a challenge it would be. I have to say I really like it, I also will add that I feel really dumb all the time. I know that's normal when you start an intensive school, but wow! 
However, since I'm a person who has gotten used to life throwing them challenges at least I am happy that I chose this challenge, and that it's an interesting one which doesn't involve pain (yet). 
    Overall, I can say that I feel up for facing the challenges life is throwing at me, and while it may be hard, I know it's the step I need to take to get to the future I want. I just wish that would arrive a bit faster and without the heartache and struggle it's giving me right now. 

Cheers to this chapter.

   -Nat

My neighborhood

End of an Era

I have arrived to the end of my stay in Spain. I can't believe it's almost over.

I am both super happy to be going home and super sad to be leaving. I guess that's how life works.

This will just be another place where I left a part of me and created new pages to add to the story of my life.

These 9 months flew by so fast, and I am proud to say I accomplished a lot of my goals. I finally learned Spanish and can speak it fluently at a decent level. I still have a lot of improve, but I am really proud of myself to having got to this level. 

I think this experience has shown me that, once again, I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to. I hope to keep growing as a person and develop into the best I can be. 

This is a pic from a trip I went on to a city called Altea, it was a really pretty place.

To Viktor

Another year gone by without you... until we meet again.

Happy Ever After

It's funny how it always ends in happily ever after. But somehow, if there's a part two, the "ever after" is never happy. 

I wish life was easier.

2021

I've been noticing how the world puts a lot of emphasis on the changing of years. I'm not only talking about new years resolutions (which are one of the biggest forms), but also how every person always hopes the next year will be better, that they will earn more money, travel more, lose more weight, and overall just get their lives together. 

I guess symbolically something does change with the start of a new year. Funnily for me this year, with January come some very significant changes. I really felt the years change, probably more than any other year, and it's only January 14th. 

I felt my life was following a certain path towards certain goals, and that they kind of all shifted as the year started, making me question everything. I usually am excited for what a new year holds and ready to face the new challenges, but this year I feel it less than normal. I feel two difficult years in a row really brought my spirits down and all the uncertainity at the beginning of this year didn't help. 

But, if there's one thing I learned over the years, it's that I'm always stronger than the problem and that even if it punches the air out of my lungs, I always get back up and win the final round. Thankfully, I am able to do this with the support I get from my friends and family. 

This year I may have opened the "door" of 2021 hesitantly, and have fallen a few times on the path, but I'm doing my best to stay on my feet and focus on the positive. To quote Shakira, I'm ready for the good times! 

However, this guy really does have a point and I would like to ask the same from life.

Bye-bye 2020

 A little recap done right. 

Candy Crush

 Okay, this is amazing!

"Old Pain"

I'm not sure if I'd really consider this a toxic trait. I just think it means I haven't completely moved on from some of the events that happened in my life. I know forgiving/forgetting are healthy things, but sometimes by doing that it doesn't do the crime justice. Maybe it's good to feel pain with some memories, as it reminds me that I should never trust blindly. Kind of like a safeguard. I really don't know what is the right and wrong thing to feel when looking back at painful memories, but somehow I still can't see it as toxic. 

Big City Dreams

I've officially been in Spain for two months. I love being so far away from everyone and everything. Of course, I really miss people back and home, and some things also, but the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. 

I guess in a sense I'm fulfiling my "Big City Dreams"

Sunset

It's funny, from all the people I know, I'm the only one who doesn't have a problem with getting older. I remember people turning 18, 21, 25, etc and feeling so sad, and for some reason I could never relate. I always thought the world had so much to offer, and every year just had so much opportunity. Every year I got closer to completing my list of goals. Somehow life always throws me setbacks, and while I get really sad at those moments, things have always worked out so far. I'm stronger than most people I knew due to those setbacks, and I know that I'm able to accomplish anything I set my mind to. 

My current goals are to learn Spanish, enjoy my time here, get to know my Spanish relatives, get my braces off, make my relationship work long distance, and figure out what I want to do in the future...I had more, but they were postponed due to the virus, but I'm trying hard to stay positive, even when things get tough. I can do this! 

-Nat

España

I have finally done it!

I made it to Spain after much delays and a lot of waiting!

I arrived Sunday, August 23rd. 

A lot of things are not what I wished for.

I can't travel around too much as it's dangerous with this virus.

But I'm so happy I made it!

Incredibly,

I have wanted this for SO long.

 But the waiting was worth it, and I love it here.

My home for the next 9 months. ❤

Ibiza

 

❤

Thinking of you

Okay, I've probably posted this song like 10 years ago, but this is just too beautiful. Made me miss playing guitar and Katy Perry's old music. ♡

We Are Warriors

Funnily it's always around this time of year (this year and last) that I post an Avril song which I think has a really powerful message needed for me at the time.
*Note they show a scene of Budapest in the clip!!!*

Weird Times!

These are such strange times, this month I had to do things I have never done or thought I'd do in my life:

-I crossed the border from Liechtenstein to Austria on foot as there are no trains or buses crossing the   border. 

-By reentering Hungary, I placed my self under house arrest for 2 weeks (more like mandatory   quarantine), where I could't leave, even to go to the shop, and had to be brought everything. 

-I survived 2 full weeks in what was practically solitary confinement (with internet, so I could talk to   people, which really helped).   

-I wore a mask to go on a walk and to the shop in my own country

I'm sure millions of people have said that if they were told 3 months ago that the world would be like this they would never have believed it. I can't wait for this virus to eradicate itself from the world and for my life to get back on track. At the end of the day this is somehow another crazy adventure that I'll be able to add to my autobiography when I finally set my mind to writing it. One thing I can say for sure if that my life has not been boring. 

I'm just hoping this will end sooner rather than later. 

Dancing in the Sky

Dear brother
I wanted to post a song for you today as it's been one year since you're gone. I had a few ideas, but then I came across this song. I know you'd probably hate it as it isn't your style, but the lyrics perfectly describe what I wish for you up there. Love you!

-Nat

Coronavirus

Dear Blog,

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's life this virus messed with. What I do know is I am definitely one of the people who can't complain.

On March 13th I was supposed to fly to Spain, I was so excited, my dream was finally coming true. Then as the time got closer I started to worry, but I figured if I'd get into the country I'd be okay regardless of what happened next. Boy was I wrong. On March 12th I packed my suitcase. I'll be honest, I was a little scared about what would happen once I entered Valencia, but I pushed the feeling down and told myself "it'll be okay, I just have to get there, everything else will work out, it always does." After I was about 95% packed I decided to leave the rest of the stuff for the next day, and chose that moment to check my email. Surprise, surprise, I had an email from the place I was going to work in Spain telling me the project was indefinitely postponed and to cancel my plane ticket. Yay me!

The next day Spain was put under stay in the house quarantine and which I was glad I didn't go there to be locked in a house, I was lost as to what to do. I didn't have to wait long, and long story short, I'm back in Switzerland. I'm supposed to be here for 3.5 weeks, but considering the borders of both the countries closed behind me, I may end up being stuck here for longer.

I can't complain though, I have it a lot better than other people. We go out into nature a lot, which is so beautiful, and makes having to keep 2 meters away from everyone super easy. I hope I can go back to Hungary, my family and the boyfriend after the 3.5 weeks, but I guess we'll see.

I guess I'm again waiting in this beautiful place.

-Nat

Salt - B. Miles

Give Me Good Music

Is it just me, or has good music stopped being produced? When I was in my teen years I always found such amazing bands, and songs that were so beautiful that I'd listen to them on repeat for hours. In the last 2-3 years, though, I really haven't found much good music around. I think the only amazing album I've heard in these years as been Manchester Orchestra's latest album (A Black Mile To The Surface) in 2017. I really miss good music...
So yeah, just getting this out there.

-Nat

2020!

This is all I ask for from this year. 

And no more deaths.

Wishing this to everyone! 

Vienna, June 29-30

I've been extremely behind in posting about my travels. The last trip I have actually given an account on was London, and since then I've been to Vienna, Vaduz, Esztergom, and multiple cities in Switzerland. So I have many amazing pictures to share.
I shall slowly get around to posting them all on my blog, but for today I will just share my long-overdue Vienna pictures.

It was a really chill weekend away with the boyfriend. We had a super great time, and I was glad to be back in Vienna as an adult and have a look around. 

I'll try to post pictures of my other trips in the coming weeks. 

10 Year Anniversary

As of November 16th, I am celebrating a huge anniversary. The 10 year anniversary of this blog. When I started it I really had no idea that 10 years later I'd still be updating it at least monthly. While my viewership has all but faded (I'm actually not sure anyone checks it unless I tell them to), I still find it the perfect space for me to get my feelings out paper (screen) and relax. It's also super convenient to have all the best pictures from my travels in one place, amongst other things, so I can show them to people when the subject comes up.

All in all I'm pretty impressed with my dedication, (I say singing my own praises).

Here's to another 10 years, I'm so curious where I'll be by then and if this blog will still be telling my story.

-Nat

T_T

New Life Plans --In Progress

When I was seventeen I decided that I really want to live in Spain at some point in my life. I didn't have any specific plans, just that I needed to get to know my other citizenship, as I felt like such a foreigner everywhere I was. But if I have a little bit more of a base from my two home countries it may help me feel like I belong somewhat more to this world.
Over the years I've tried to make this work, I considered doing my university there, but could not afford to, so I decided I would go after. After university I realized I could't afford it financially, so decided to stay an extra year in Budapest and work towards it.
This is when I realized how expensive it is to move from one country to another without a base or someone waiting for you. But, since I'm stubborn, I decided I would not spend another year in Budapest. I'd borrow deposit money from my parents or whatever I needed to finally get to Spain. That's when a new job opportunity opened up for me.
This job is something two of my sisters did two years back, but I was not too interested in at the time as I was in university and wouldn't have been able to. Basically, I would have to live in Switzerland for three months and help take care of a lady who had a brain hemorrhage and needs help with daily tasks. This time, when they wrote saying they need someone new to help, I decided this offer came around to many times for me to drop it. I was gonna take it and use the money to move to Spain.
Which brings us to the present. I have currently been living in Switzerland for a week. I'm living off of delicious food and surrounded by a country I have always wanted to explore more. This means I will probably spam this blog with photos of my travels through Switzerland, Liechtenstein, and Austria.
Hopefully I'll be able to post from Spain in February, I'm really looking forward to this all working out for me.
I guess good things really do come to those who wait.

And I get to wait to in a place that looks like this.

HIMYM Quote

To all my friends in different countries that I am still in touch with regardless of how rarely I can meet them:

"That's how it goes [...]. The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime you love so much when you're young, as the years go by, you just lose touch. You will be shocked, [...] when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That's why, when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it." - Ted Mosby

Don't Let Go Yet -Hayley and Curtis

This one though...

No Day But Today -Makenzie and Paul

This is just so beautiful and relatable. 😥

London June 8-10

A bit over a month ago two of my sisters and I took a trip sightseeing in London. Theoretically, it was not my first time in the city -as I once spent a day in the countryside-, neither my first time sightseeing in the UK -as I have been to Edinburgh four years ago-. Either way, London was totally worth going back to the British Isles for. One other thing that made our trip special was that we got to the Buckingham Palace just in time to watch the Queen's birthday parade, and her make an appearance on the balcony of the palace. That already would have been worth our entire trip, but luckily there were more amazing things to follow, and unfortunately, also some unpleasant ones, like the rain and spending my last day vomiting from the flu I caught. 

Getting a better view of the Palace

 Over half the parliament was under construction, and this is how horrible the Big Ben looked, which is a pity, as I was looking forward to seeing it

 London weather was not my fave

 

 Fish and chips

 Trafalgar's Square

 Sherlock Holmes

 Finally go to eat crumpets!

Out of everything in London, the thing I probably enjoyed the most was watching Henry IV at the Globe. After years of studying Shakespeare it was indescribably amazing. 

Unfortunately we didn't see the Tower Bridge open, so I guess I'll have to return to London to catch up on that amongst other things.

Overall the trip was definitely worth it and I really loved London.

-Nat