Six

Somehow it's always around this time of year I find myself listening to songs like this.

I hope you found what you were looking for <3

Four

 

♥

Middle of my best life

 

This hits hard, gotta appreciate where I am more.

About Regressing

I wish progression was linear, that when you started upwards you continued that way. I guess that's something life keeps teaching me, I have times when I work really hard and take ten steps forward, and then something happens and I fall back eight steps. Sometimes it's easier to retrace the steps I already took, and sometimes it's almost like the difficultly level increased. 

I didn't know moving on could be this hard. For the last two months I really felt I had a breakthrough, that I was finally making big progress, that I had made the right choice and I could be happier in the future. I'm not really sure what happened to me in the last two weeks, I feel I took all the steps back possible and am starting from square one. 

People tell me I'm wrong for holding on to the past, that I made the decision I made because it was the right one, but the more I'm told, the more I feel like no one understands that I really believe I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

Yes, I believe one day I'll make peace with my decision, but I'm not sure I'll ever stop regretting it. It shouldn't have been like this. I have been trying really hard, and will keep trying, I just wish I hadn't chosen this. 

I'm going to try to stop playing the victim and own up to my decisions. I just need a little more time to learn to accept this. 

Blog Importance

 It's funny that when I first made this blog at 15 I posted every single day, I had so much to say and so much creativity. Ofc when I look back at those posts now, 90% are cringe, but it's still interesting to see how I thought back than, what values I had and what I wanted other people to know about me.

Now at 28 I still try to post at least once a month, as I like having this as a creative space, but I don't find every detail worth writing about. I remember with my first tattoo at 18 I felt I had to make a post about it, since than I have 5 more, and while I may post them someday, I just don't really care to as of yet. I have so much more going on than when I was a teen, yet so much less to share with the world. I guess I learned the value of close friends and sharing things with them, and don't feel everyone has to know everything.

The best part is I have a place to go back to look at old pictures, videos, and thoughts. 

So dear blog, sorry you've diminished in importance in my life. You still have an important place in my heart though and I am really glad I started writing you all these years ago. 

I guess that's all I have to say right now. 

Three

This song came out right in time to express how it feels, three years now... and that's way too long. I miss you!

Value

😣😣😣😣

😫

The distance between where you are and where you want to be is shorter than you think. 

This is what I need to keep in mind when I'm struggling in life. 

I really didn't remember how much I hated exams and studying my ass off in general. 

I can't wait to be done this school!

Stronger

One thing I find interesting is that it's so hard to forget the pain others caused you, while it's so easy to downplay the pain you caused them. You think they should understand your reasons behind causing them pain, but never stop to think that maybe their reasons for hurting you were also completely fair and maybe it wasn't their intention for you to get hurt, but it was more a reaction to the pain you caused them. While I want to be able to understand that, it's just so easy to downplay the severity, to think that you didn't deserve this, and then go on feeling sorry for yourself. 

I wanna be a strong person, I wanna be able to move on from all of this and start to really live. I miss being happy when I'm alone.

"Normal"

Life is strange sometimes. 

I really thought I had turned a page on so many issues I had. Yet here I am sitting on my couch in 2021 facing the same problems I struggled with in 2018 but thought were over after that. 

I wish I could just be "normal".

I don't know if I should keep fighting to be or I should just accept that there is no cure to being this messed up. 

I wish I had some answers.

Back to Studenthood

 Dear Blog,

    I am back in Hungary for a month now, and I have to say my life is 100% different than it was. 
It's really strange having things the same, yet so different. 
Some of it is good: I am back in the apartment I loved living in, in an amazing location in the city center. 
Other things are harder: a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend of over 5 years, and while it was what I needed, I wish it wouldn't have had to be this way and that we could have lasted forever. 
Anyhow, the topic I wanted to write about: 
    I started studying programming. I knew it would be a challenge, but maybe I wasn't aware of how much of a challenge it would be. I have to say I really like it, I also will add that I feel really dumb all the time. I know that's normal when you start an intensive school, but wow! 
However, since I'm a person who has gotten used to life throwing them challenges at least I am happy that I chose this challenge, and that it's an interesting one which doesn't involve pain (yet). 
    Overall, I can say that I feel up for facing the challenges life is throwing at me, and while it may be hard, I know it's the step I need to take to get to the future I want. I just wish that would arrive a bit faster and without the heartache and struggle it's giving me right now. 

Cheers to this chapter.

   -Nat

My neighborhood

End of an Era

I have arrived to the end of my stay in Spain. I can't believe it's almost over.

I am both super happy to be going home and super sad to be leaving. I guess that's how life works.

This will just be another place where I left a part of me and created new pages to add to the story of my life.

These 9 months flew by so fast, and I am proud to say I accomplished a lot of my goals. I finally learned Spanish and can speak it fluently at a decent level. I still have a lot of improve, but I am really proud of myself to having got to this level. 

I think this experience has shown me that, once again, I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to. I hope to keep growing as a person and develop into the best I can be. 

This is a pic from a trip I went on to a city called Altea, it was a really pretty place.

To Viktor

Another year gone by without you... until we meet again.

Happy Ever After

It's funny how it always ends in happily ever after. But somehow, if there's a part two, the "ever after" is never happy. 

I wish life was easier.

2021

I've been noticing how the world puts a lot of emphasis on the changing of years. I'm not only talking about new years resolutions (which are one of the biggest forms), but also how every person always hopes the next year will be better, that they will earn more money, travel more, lose more weight, and overall just get their lives together. 

I guess symbolically something does change with the start of a new year. Funnily for me this year, with January come some very significant changes. I really felt the years change, probably more than any other year, and it's only January 14th. 

I felt my life was following a certain path towards certain goals, and that they kind of all shifted as the year started, making me question everything. I usually am excited for what a new year holds and ready to face the new challenges, but this year I feel it less than normal. I feel two difficult years in a row really brought my spirits down and all the uncertainity at the beginning of this year didn't help. 

But, if there's one thing I learned over the years, it's that I'm always stronger than the problem and that even if it punches the air out of my lungs, I always get back up and win the final round. Thankfully, I am able to do this with the support I get from my friends and family. 

This year I may have opened the "door" of 2021 hesitantly, and have fallen a few times on the path, but I'm doing my best to stay on my feet and focus on the positive. To quote Shakira, I'm ready for the good times! 

However, this guy really does have a point and I would like to ask the same from life.

Bye-bye 2020

 A little recap done right. 

Candy Crush

 Okay, this is amazing!

"Old Pain"

I'm not sure if I'd really consider this a toxic trait. I just think it means I haven't completely moved on from some of the events that happened in my life. I know forgiving/forgetting are healthy things, but sometimes by doing that it doesn't do the crime justice. Maybe it's good to feel pain with some memories, as it reminds me that I should never trust blindly. Kind of like a safeguard. I really don't know what is the right and wrong thing to feel when looking back at painful memories, but somehow I still can't see it as toxic. 

Big City Dreams

I've officially been in Spain for two months. I love being so far away from everyone and everything. Of course, I really miss people back and home, and some things also, but the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. 

I guess in a sense I'm fulfiling my "Big City Dreams"

Sunset

It's funny, from all the people I know, I'm the only one who doesn't have a problem with getting older. I remember people turning 18, 21, 25, etc and feeling so sad, and for some reason I could never relate. I always thought the world had so much to offer, and every year just had so much opportunity. Every year I got closer to completing my list of goals. Somehow life always throws me setbacks, and while I get really sad at those moments, things have always worked out so far. I'm stronger than most people I knew due to those setbacks, and I know that I'm able to accomplish anything I set my mind to. 

My current goals are to learn Spanish, enjoy my time here, get to know my Spanish relatives, get my braces off, make my relationship work long distance, and figure out what I want to do in the future...I had more, but they were postponed due to the virus, but I'm trying hard to stay positive, even when things get tough. I can do this! 

-Nat