Humanity

This evening has been kind of a drainer, I finished work at 5, came to my room worked out and everything seemed to be going well. Then around 7 or 7:30 things started to go downhill. Now I just feel low. I really hate how there are people I'm close with or friends with who can be so judgmental. When I hear someone talking badly about someone to me and then to the person's face they are super nice it makes me wonder what people say behind my back. I know that they've said shit about me before and I don't even know if those friendships are worth it. I was realizing today that I am the kind of person who knows when something is coming to a close but because it's not the way I saw it I don't accept it and when reality hits I get mad that it didn't stick to my timetable. So I want this to be different. It's difficult because it's not like I have so many friends to choose from, but I'm done with this. It's done. I need people who will be positive and uplifting to my life, not people who always make me feel down and don't even like me anyway. Goodbye. I'm starting afresh.
I was just listening to Rob Bell and he was saying how when we are young the smallest things excite us. Getting a new toy can make us so happy and nothing else matters in the world. Then as you grow older you loose that simple joy and that innocence. You realize the world isn't the way you thought it was and every time you hear or see something that hurts your innocence or you once again see or hear something that sadness you deep inside you build a protective layer over your heart. Kind of like a callus. Eventually your head becomes so callused that you loose that childlike joy you've had. You only even notice there was such a thing when you really think about it. I realized I'm like that, lately I've been hearing way to much stuff that makes me not even want to live in the world, and I think over the last few months the callus around my heart has doubled in thickness. It's really hard for me to enjoy the simple things, but I want to go back to that! I don't want to have to worry about people backstabbing me, and getting raped when I go out at night. I want to be happy and smile more. It doesn't mean I can't be aware and careful, I just want to be happy. Not a conscious happiness, but the kind that's from deep inside because I know that I am one with God and he is everything. So with a little effort I'll get there.