Independence

It really has to be enough. Sometimes it's like being dropped into the middle of a freezing cold lake and you know you have a certain amount of time to swim to the shore before you freeze to death or drown. 

You know I found the picture above and I was already thinking about that so it felt really relevant so I decided to post it on my blog. But then I found this picture when I was part way through the post: 

And so yes enough moping around. I am going to try to make the best out of this weekend and enjoy it. I had a decent day today, got stuff done and ate yummy hot dogs. That should be good enough. Plus I get plenty of time to work on my puzzle, it's hard because it's on the floor and it kills my back to sit and make it, but it's fun so worth the pain. 

Also I bought black lipstick today, I don't want it cuz it makes me look creepy (I'm wearing it right now) so I'll give it to my sister when I see her. But I just thought it was important to let you know about my black lipstick, because how many people have it? 

So now that I'm cooler than you I'll leave this post be. 

Bu-bye

Humanity

This evening has been kind of a drainer, I finished work at 5, came to my room worked out and everything seemed to be going well. Then around 7 or 7:30 things started to go downhill. Now I just feel low. I really hate how there are people I'm close with or friends with who can be so judgmental. When I hear someone talking badly about someone to me and then to the person's face they are super nice it makes me wonder what people say behind my back. I know that they've said shit about me before and I don't even know if those friendships are worth it. I was realizing today that I am the kind of person who knows when something is coming to a close but because it's not the way I saw it I don't accept it and when reality hits I get mad that it didn't stick to my timetable. So I want this to be different. It's difficult because it's not like I have so many friends to choose from, but I'm done with this. It's done. I need people who will be positive and uplifting to my life, not people who always make me feel down and don't even like me anyway. Goodbye. I'm starting afresh.
I was just listening to Rob Bell and he was saying how when we are young the smallest things excite us. Getting a new toy can make us so happy and nothing else matters in the world. Then as you grow older you loose that simple joy and that innocence. You realize the world isn't the way you thought it was and every time you hear or see something that hurts your innocence or you once again see or hear something that sadness you deep inside you build a protective layer over your heart. Kind of like a callus. Eventually your head becomes so callused that you loose that childlike joy you've had. You only even notice there was such a thing when you really think about it. I realized I'm like that, lately I've been hearing way to much stuff that makes me not even want to live in the world, and I think over the last few months the callus around my heart has doubled in thickness. It's really hard for me to enjoy the simple things, but I want to go back to that! I don't want to have to worry about people backstabbing me, and getting raped when I go out at night. I want to be happy and smile more. It doesn't mean I can't be aware and careful, I just want to be happy. Not a conscious happiness, but the kind that's from deep inside because I know that I am one with God and he is everything. So with a little effort I'll get there.

Midnight Post

So I'm up in the middle of the week at midnight chatting with a friend about our futures, we're both kind of freaking out as it's really getting to the point where we have to decide what we want and that's really hard. I really am at that point where I have to let go of my emotions and put the in God's hands. It's a lot easier said then done, but he's brought me this far in my life and he'll bring me further. If I trust him and follow his path he'll keep me right where he wants me and I'll be able to deal with whatever life throws me. It's just scary to think about it. I realized though that it's all so exciting, my life now is exciting, and there are things I'd change but it's perfect. It's all about perspective. Yesterday I was listening to this audio and it was talking about how our life is like a puzzle, I was sitting on my floor making a 2,000 puzzle I got for Christmas and because of that it all really stuck, (funny how that worked out). It was saying how sometimes it really seems like that puzzle piece doesn't even belong to the puzzle and looks so wrong, the colors don't even match and you're sure the manufacturer made a mistake and added an extra piece or pieces into the box by mistake. But by the time you get to the end of the puzzle you realize that all the pieces fit perfectly and you just didn't have the other ones in the right place yet. The preacher was explaining how our lives are like that, some people have cancer and they sure as hell can't see where that piece fits in their life, but if they could see the full picture they'd understand. Some people go through the worst things you can imagine, but it's all part of the puzzle and eventually they will understand why it happened and how it all fits perfectly into their life. I'm pretty young now and the puzzle of my life is no where near completion, I can't even see what the picture is yet, I have little ideas from the parts which are already put together, I may be completely wrong about it, but I don't need to worry because in the end the picture will be perfect and God can hang it on his wall... just like I will do with my puzzle when I finish it. Seeing it this way makes me less anxious about things. I hope I can keep my head on my shoulders and relax because things will work out :)

Winter Break

A few days ago I got back from the Philippines, I had the most awesome winter break ever! For those of you who have me on Facebook you've already seen the pictures, but I'll re-post some anyway. 

So basically for 2 weeks I stayed with my friends and we had a 2 week party life, staying up really late, waking up late (most days) and just enjoying everything. 

On Christmas Eve they had a light show in the city 

 Cutest square panda I wanted to steal! 

 Marshmallows 

 Got to finally try beer pong 

 We spend a whole day watching some friends football game in the hot sun

 Me being sexy as usual

 We tried helium balloons 

And I finally got to meet Bella :) 

Wishes for the new year 

 The ones we wrote

 Super delicious pizza this guy made for us

 Food ball

Joel and me doing what we do best!

That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed the pictures and I'm hoping for many more great times like this in the future.